Cigarettes--My Enemy. My Friend.

The insipid little cancer sticks.
The feel of you between my fingers.
The carbon monoxide, chemicals, fertilizers and bug parts I inhale with each breath.
Killing me slowly with each drag.
How I HATE you.
How I still want you in my life.
Not the cigarettes, but the nicotine.
I don't like the way you make me feel anymore--the headache I get with the first one of the day. The worsening of that dull headache with each subsequent smoke.
Why do you beckon me?
Call to me in my sleep.
From the womb I've been hooked on you.
My life has been one surrounded in a proverbial cloud of smoke. I've inhaled you since my earliest days.
Why oh why didn't I just say no when I was twelve?
I don't fault my parents. They did what they knew. I'm an adult now. This is my battle.
You killed my grandfather before I even met him. You killed my father before I was ready to let him go. The females in my life have suffered at your hand.
You have gotten me in a stranglehold that I long to break free from.
I find no enjoyment in you anymore.
You make me smell bad. I have a harder time breathing, sleeping soundly, singing. You burn my throat. You make my heart beat faster and my chest hurt AND yet.....there you are. In my purse.
A fresh pack. Oh that sweet smell of tobacco. Not the burning chemicals once the ember is burning. NO. That tobacco fragrance wafting through my olfactory nerves.
FOUR times I've said I'm done with you. Each time is getting better and better. I really do LOATHE you. You are an insidious creature. You are evil incarnate.
I wish it was easy to say goodbye. You are a bad habit. A friend that will kill me, but one I have a hard time letting go. You are all I have known. You have been a part of my life my WHOLE life.
How do you say goodbye to a frenemy of thirty-six years????
A struggle. A journey. A learning process.
There is an old joke that the only thing we HAVE to do in this life is die. That doesn't mean I have to speed up the process.

The Missouri 60 Challenge and My Body Issues

This is the first time I have been this honest about this topic in a public forum. Here goes....

After the ups and downs of weight struggles since I was a teenager, my body is not in the greatest shape/figure it could be in. Some of this is because I've been lazy about my weight training recently, but the truth is there is only so much exercise is going to do for me at this point in the journey.

The reality I deal with is this: I have excess skin from loss of elasticity over the years because of the abuse I heaped upon myself as a gluttonous sloth. Harsh words to describe myself, but truthful. Exercise can firm and tone underlying muscle; however, a tummy tuck and liposuction on my upper thighs are the only things that can give me the appearance of tighter skin.

Now understand please that I am not a proponent of plastic surgery for the reason of cosmetic improvements unless you are comfortable with who you are in your heart and mind. If you are happy with who you are as a person then go for it, but if you are using plastic surgery to deal with psychological issues then the first surgery is just the beginning. With that said...If I had the money I would get the tuck and the work on my 'saddlebags'. Not because I have major problems with the way I look now, but with all the hard work, the blood, sweat and tears that has gone into reshaping my figure it would be nice if I could wear a bikini without wanting to hide behind a sheet.

My stomach is the worst of my body insecurities. I have a STRONG core. You can feel the muscle just below the surface. Guy likes to 'punch' the rectus abdominus muscle as I tense it to see how strong I am. It gives me a great sense of pride. Pilates with Pam and Abs Shredder with Paula have given me a great muscle base. Unfortunately, I do not have the definition I would like because I have a pouch in the lower ab region. It's not fat tissue. It's skin. I can firm up the muscles and barely pull fat, but skin with stretch marks is not a problem. This is the common complaint you hear from women who have had multiple children. I haven't had ONE so it can be a source of frustration for me when I catch a glimpse of the pouch in the mirror. My saddlebags are the first place I gain and the last place I lose. Again, liposuction is about my only hope for firmness.

I really do believe that I don't have much hope in getting the look I want when I'm naked without surgery. However, since the only people who see me naked are my husband and medical professionals I'm not going to sweat the small stuff. The doctors sure don't care and Guy loves me regardless of my body, so I've come to be okay 90% of the time when it comes to my imperfections. I'm okay not having the six-pack abs or glutes you can bounce a quarter on; however, there is always room for improvement.

I have been following a weight loss blog written by Tony "The Anti-Jared" Posnanski for more than a year. Not quite sure how I originally stumbled upon him, but WOW!!!! You want inspiration in weight loss. This man has lost more than 200 pounds and is keeping it off. Tony recently posted a video about his journey that my friend Skye-Lynn linked on Facebook. I didn't realize when I watched the video and consequently sent a friend request that he was 'The Anti-Jared'. I just didn't put two and two together until he included his Facebook badge on his blog. WOOHOO!!!!

On June 16, Tony posted The Missouri 60 Challenge on his blog which I decided was my kind of challenge. I am not usually good with challenges. I am competitive, but don't usually do well in any kind of weight loss challenge so I avoid them; however, this one wasn't about the numbers on a scale or even your inches lost. The challenge is this simple. Take a photo by June 30 and in 60 days take a new photo to see the changes you've made. I took my photos a little late, but I'm still taking on the challenge.

I am doing this strictly for me. I don't care about prizes or glory. I want to see what I can do in 60 days to firm up my jiggly bits :)

And now completely out there---the 360 degree photos of me taken Thursday, July 9. This is the first time I have allowed photos to be taken of me revealing my belly. I don't use a sunless tanner or I would never dream of wearing a bikini so my belly is WHITE in comparison to the rest of my body :) Guy took a few sets of each side and I picked the best of the bunch.

Breaking News

I interrupt your day with terribly unexciting news....

Been a couple of weeks. Fought a cold for about ten days. Stress for a few days after getting over the cold. Then a battle to get well from the stress. I am now feeling like a person again and mostly back to my regularly scheduled life; therefore, I will be blogging this week and beyond. Stay tuned. Now return to your regularly mundane work week existence :o)

My Continuing Struggle to be a Reformed Smoker

When last I shared on this topic it was at the nine week mark. According to my calendar it has been the full ten weeks since I placed the first patch on my upper arm in an effort to quit smoking.

I stayed completely quit for a full 47 days before giving into the cravings. After dreaming non-stop for more than a week that I was smoking and building it up I finally had one. I shared my thoughts about it at the time.

Since that first one I have smoked intermittently in the past 23+ days. I am not justifying or making excuses, just sharing the facts. I do not feel guilty about what I've done. I have smoked roughly the equivalent of two packs by my estimation. Considering it used to take me one and a half to two days to smoke that amount I still consider myself successful.

I was standing outside with a friend who was smoking and got a whiff of secondhand smoke. I could 'taste' it on my tongue and it was NASTY. I know that is a direct effect of my cold. It's not like the desire for nicotine is gone completely. I still get cravings, but being sick it smells and 'tastes' just downright YUCKY. Therefore, the past few days it hasn't been appealing and the cravings have all but disappeared.

I'm not saying they won't return. In fact, I suspect when I feel better they may return. I am prepared for that to happen. This is still a daily struggle for me.

Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better yet.

So Many Things in this Little Brain of Mine

Stream of conciousness is a wonderous thing:

Guy caught my cold and doesn't get the luxury of time off.
M*A*S*H is the best TV Show EVER.
Sometimes, it pays to be a woman: Last week when going about my daily travels I stumbled upon road construction. The sidewalk was closed, but instead of having to turn around and go back to the light, the construction workers lifted my 'Harley' above the road work and set me on my way.
You can taste a cigarette without smoking if you are standing close enough to secondhand smoke.
Oatmeal isn't too bad if you can get past the texture. The truth is cooked oats are about the blandest thing I've ever eaten. So many mixing possibilities. Strawberries and bananas, mixed berries of all varieties, cinnamon sprinkled on top of all of them. I still can't say I LIKE oatmeal, but I do like it. Hopefully it will have the desired effect for why I started eating it in the first place.
Cholesterol--so much information on what to eat, how to lower, what effects overall numbers, etc. Following the recommendations. We'll see what happens when I go back for a three month check.
The less I eat meat, the less I miss the taste, though deli sliced ham and/or turkey cooked into stir-fry dishes or omelets is still tasty.
I can't wait until I feel better so I can start experimenting in the kitchen again. We have lots of meals in the freezer from my cooking frenzy the past few weeks so that will get us through.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I am SLEEPY.
Doesn't matter if you can afford to buy the books at a store, the library is a book reader's best friend.
Dog may be man's best friend, but cats are this woman's best friend.
Looking forward to getting back in the gym when I'm over this cold.
Overwhelmed with my final exam. Open book or not these last sections count for the majority of my grade. Two case studies and six short answer essay questions. Lots of work. My old text anxiety is kicking in and I need to kick its' ass before it gets out of control.
The next time I make the effort I WILL be able to donate blood.
I like how a big sneeze feels.
It's one of my best friend's birthdays.
As long as I have a crock pot, I'm a good cook.
Iced coffee is the second best drink to water.
If it weren't for meditation my mind would never slow down. :o)

MMMMMM.....Apple Jacks--My Yearly Treat

Yep...that's right...my yearly treat...Allow me to explain.
During our formative years we were not allowed to eat sugar cereals. In our pantry you could find Cheerios, Rice Krispies, Corn Flakes and Kix. Not Lucky Charms, Fruit Loops or any of the other boxes of sugar available for a quick breakfast and/or snack. At the time I remember being upset about it. Looking back I'm glad that Mom put her foot down on this one.

The one exception to this rule was once a year when we would visit our Grandma Helen. It was Grandma's house so not all the same rules applied. For one glorious week every summer when we were YOUNG--still in the single digit ages, before we moved to Texas--we spent a week at her home in Free Acres, NJ. During that week we were allowed to eat Apple Jacks. Back in those days they were only the orange colored 'O's. The green colored 'O's weren't added until 1993. I could have sworn they always had green and orange and Lenny said he didn't remember the green ones being there when he was a kid, so I looked them up.

The history of Apple Jacks as told on Wikipedia.

Now I don't remember exactly what week we would visit Helen, but as an adult I have delegated the third week in June as my week to indulge in my Apple Jacks. I look forward to this all year. I get one 17.5 oz. box and I enjoy it until it's gone. Sometimes it's one week, sometimes it's two. As I post this I have only had three of the seventeen servings in the box. At this rate I may make them last three weeks this year. However long they do last, once they are gone, they are gone. Truth is--as I was only allowed it once a week when I was a child it was treat. Thirty years later it still is a treat. One that I enjoy down to the very last 'O'.


Of course every year brings with it a new marketing toy tie-in. Let us never forget that even though it's the parents buying the cereal they are aimed at the children. Last year's goody was an Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull plastic spoon with the scoop part lighting up red from pushing a button on the plastic handle. It was cute and I even used it a couple of times before I realized I didn't need to eat with plastic at home.

The marketing toy this year for me (obviously, the company changes regularly, but I only get the goody once a year) was a plastic replica of a Star Trek badge. Made me chuckle when I saw it on the box. I am a fan of the Star Trek series just not as die hard as the Star Wars series. You can like them both, just not equally :o)

Last but not least, my yearly treat was on sale at Winn Dixie this week. With my reward card I got them for less than $3. WOOHOO!!!! I don't remember the last time I paid less than that for the name brand of ANY cereal :o)

Collective Soul Videos

From the most recent South Florida performance. Sunfest Music Festival. May 1, 2009.

Heavy from Dosage.


Listen from Disciplined Breakdown.


Shine from Hints, Allegations and Things Left Unsaid. This song was their first released single that introduced the band to a mass audience. It would have been the 'One Hit Wonder' song IF they weren't releasing a new album on August 25.


December from Collective Soul (the album title).


The World I Know from Collective Soul.